Round Peg, round hole?

"You're not helping matters any by being all complex and multifaceted you know. My life is much easier when I can fit round peg you into the round hole."

-Elasticlad to me upon recieving my advice on his newest relationship crisis.

I've never been a round peg in my life. I've never fit in. Sometimes I wish that I could disregard the meaninglessness of small talk and join in a group. Just slide in there and just "fit". Be someone who is called up and invited places. Be someone who men want to hang out with after the boinking is done. To NOT be the person about whom it's asked "well, is so and so going to be there?" I mean, ouch.



When I turned 10, I threw a birthday party and noone showed up.
It happened again when I turned 14.
Clearly, I was hard to like.

By the time I reached 18 or 19 I thought I'd finally found a good group. People who hugged me and told me they were happy to see me and joked with me. I guess it was just all the E. As soon as I got pregnant they were gone like a puff of smoke.


I thought I had another group. Supportive, kind people. People who'd made it through the baby years, or people I'd met since. As soon as Dorian and I split. Another puff of smoke.





Sometimes I feel as though people are just waiting for that out. Like the patient whose therapist keeps looking at their watch. Just a few more minutes left in your session. Just a few more minutes left in my friendship.





Fact is, I don't do well in groups.
I get nervous, I say the wrong things, or I say the right things in the wrongest possible way. Recently I tried tell a new friend that I thought her husband was an interesting guy. It came out sounding like I was interested in pursuing her husband. This is typical.

When I observe a group, trying to suss out its dynamic, all I see are various primal behaviours. People leaping up and down and making the biggest stir for attention. They all seem to be born with it. This primate socialization. Sometimes I find it cause for pity, other times, awe.



I don't wish to act on my baser instincts. I try not to; though possessing them, I often fail. Problem is, without those baser instincts to work on, I feel simply out of place. I don't belong here, I don't belong there. I just can't seem to get it right.

I try on various group experiences and they all feel like a variation on high school to me. The ultimate test of social conformity. The one where I always come up lacking.

These ones are so desperate for ANYONE's attention that they'll do anything for it. I don't fit there, though I often find myself drawn into other folks pleas for validation.

These ones have their hierarchy already figured out and require a big impact to shake it up enough to reform it to fit another person. I'm not a "get out there and wow them" kind of person. I don't fit there.

I do it to myself, and that's what really hurts.